Focusing on ones self

Focusing On Ones Self 
I must admit focusing on one’s self is not an easy thing to do.
I constantly am preaching to Andrew, ( my son ), about the words we say, simple words, really do not, at any age, give that good intention, or impression that we sometimes are trying to show, exhibit, or be. As we age as well it is the “action”(s) that speak louder than the words! Now meaning with that is sometimes there are too many words to define who, and what we are? I think, I have to, or know I do “Stop” as I tell him with the “words” and start showing him “Action” of what the words mean. This may not make sense to you, but, what I am getting at is there are so many characteristics in each one of us and within me. I have been for a couple years, maybe longer saying to myself “wow,” “Where did that go?”

When I say “where did that go?” I am meaning a part of me, the action in myself, of how, and what I did,  usually dismiss this and say “we all change” but we do really remain “the same.”

Our character is an unchanging truth. Nothing with in you ever leaves. It can get simply haulted. It is our worst enemy when we stop applying the “Action” in our lives. We have to realize we are in control. 

I can tell you from experience in-action can be disturbing to the mind. It’s like you don’t know how you suddenly stopped. Now you find yourself with too much time on your hands. Even though thoughts are telling you to do “Action” again, it’s like your stuck with no way out of the fog. 

It’s a viscous cycle. You sit in thought. Let’s face it when you have nothing but time a thought process begins. 

Wouldn’t ya know all that negative you use to block is cycling, smothering your mind, body, and soul, day in day out, like clock work. You end up lost in a world of self doubt. 

I think for myself I have a fight, and battling is really not a strong suit for me, maybe when I was younger, I could debate the good fight, inward, outward, did not matter!

Once were, or what was there, is still just that, there inside of me, and us, if this applies to you? I am talking about character, I always said “nothing is going to hurt, nor touch me the way this or that did” that I think was a lie to myself to get me through perhaps whatever it was at the time. I have come to think, that how long am I going to think about what “once was” when I can simply, well maybe not so simply, “dig it out” of me. I use to define myself, the whole me according to how much, or what I was by titling that with my job. Now without a job for 16 years that Anniversary of January the 1st, I feel, and see, that you do not have to per say make money without a title of, or from a job, you, no one is defined that simply, it is all about for me, the matters of my heart. I am very happy to come to this point, finally, with in myself, but at the same time scared as crap about what I am going to have to face in that mirror, and the work I am going to have to do to, let’s just say to “re-invent” myself, yea, that makes sense to me, I like that!

I am using the word “dig” a lot because once a seed within me, has like turned to “roots”, roots spreading inward and the blossoming of the petals that once were have stopped, just stopped growing. If I dig, I think, I hope, I am, or ( we ) will find it, eventually with all the work, and the exhaustion of digging, and the faith of anything, doesn’t have to be Religious, just faith within ourselves, or me anyways I can be, or have that “characteristic” ( s ) back to the front of my mind!

The weird thing I use to do, to basically not have to deal with any given situation is to lock it away, strange as that sounds it worked for a very, very long time for me, not anymore. Now that can be of a good thing, or bad, it is all up to me!

The basic point is within myself those things I would “miss”, or say “wow, where did that go” is still here. I have to work to get it out, and that all depends upon, just like anything else, how much do I want it, with me everything, and anything has got to come from my heart. I think, if the passion is there for it, along with the drive, anyone can achieve? In fact, I basically have absolutely no drive without the passion in my heart. I wonder if we are all wired in that same way?

Somehow, I don’t understand how, but that somehow within me changed, no bodies to blame, not even myself, but it was as if I got lost per say inside strange enough that can happen. I come to realize all of the time I took to lock away all the negative aspects in my life in any given situation, relationship, and etc… basically in my mind just blew up. 

This is what I would do, and say:

“Okay, where did that come from, this won’t hurt me, they are words, they will only affect me if I allow them too!”

Then to take extra precaution to not get hurt, nor let that back into my life, I would unlock the door that lead to the back of my mind, and open the closet, and grab a box, and there were, are many boxes in the back of my mind, take the lid off one, and put that word ( s ) in that box, put the lid back on it, put it back on the shelf, and quickly Close and Lock that Door! Just simply weird I know.

Like I said though, it worked, we all have so many different coping techniques, mechanisms, no matter what the word, they all mean the same, I would rather simplify my words, and use that extra energy to put those words into “Action.”

I am expressing this here like this, because writing has always helped me,

“Get it on paper Jan, get it out, and it won’t hurt as much.”

Well that is a hunk of BS, cause no matter how much I “want” to deny the fact of being a (highly) sensitive woman, because of what I have been through in childhood, that is just not right, it sounds to me as an excuse of sorts, because we all have a story to tell, what we went through, seen, heard, smelt, etc.. 

The way my father being, or I should say acting the part of a pillar of strength, kind of made me realize that he was not as strong as perceived to be, and that is okay! 

I just wanted to share this very long realization with someone, my husband, God bless him, has absolutely no idea what any of this means, but I still hold him accountable for not trying to understand what it just is, ME! 

Until later,

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