Jan’s Mind Matters Focusing on One’S SElf

I must admit focusing on ones self is not an easy thing to do!
I constantly am preaching to my son, about words we say, simple words, really do not, at any age, give that good intention, or impression that we sometimes are trying to show, exhibit or be! As we age as well it is the action (s) that speak louder that the words! Now meaning with that is sometimes there are too many words to define what we are! I think, I have to, or I know I do “Stop” as I tell him with the “words” and start the action of what the words really mean!

This may not make sense to you, but, what I am getting at is there are so many characteristics in each one of us and within me, I have been for a couple of yearsm maybe longer saying to myself:
“Wow where did that go”
When I say “Where did that go” I am meaning a part of me the action within myself, of how, and what I sis, I usually dismiss that and say “we all change” but we do really remain the same!

I think for myself I have a fight, and battling is really not a strong suit for me, maybe when i was younger, I could debate the good fight, inward, outward, it did not matter!

Once were, or what was there, is still just that, there inside of me, and us, if this applies to you! I am talking about character, i always said:
“Nothing is going to hurt nor touch me the way this or that did!”

That I think was a lie to myself to get through perhaps whatever it was at the time, I have come to think that how long am I going to think about what “once was” when I can simply, well maybe, not so simply “dig it out” of me, I use to define myself the whole me, according to how much,m or what I was titling that with my job. Now with out a job for 15 years that Anniversary of January year 2000, I feel and see that you do not have to per say make money without a title of, or from a job, you, no one is defined that simply, it is all about for me, the matters of my heart!

I am very happy to come to this point, finally, with in myself, but at the same time scared as crap about what I am going to have to face in that mirror, and the work I am going to have to do to, let’s just say to “reinvent” myself, yea that makes sense to me, I like that!

I am using the word dig, because once a seed with in me was once blooming of the petals that once were have stopped growing. If I dig, I think, I hope, I am or (we) will find it, eventually with all the work, and the exhaustion of digging, and the faith of anything, doesn’t have to be Religous, just faith with in ourselves, or me anyways I can be, or have that characteristic (s) to the front of my mind!

The weird thing I use to do, to basically not have to deal with any given situation is to lock it away, strange as that sounds it worked for a very, very long time for me, not anymore!

Now that can be of a good thing or bad it’s all up to me!

The basic point is within myself those things I would miss or say wow where did that go, is still here. I have to work to get it out, and that all depends on how do I want it! With me everything and anything has to come from my heart. I think, of the passion is there for it, along with the drive, anyone can achieve it. IN fact, I basically have absolutely no drive without the passion with in my heart.

I wonder if we are all wired the same way?

Some how I dont understand how but somehow something with in me changed, no bodies to blame, not even myself, but it is as if I got lost per say inside, strange enough that can happen. I come to realize all of the time I took to lock away all the negative aspects in my life in any given situation, relationships etc. basically in my mind just blew up!


OK where did that come from this wont hurt me, they are words, they will only affect me if I allow them  to. Then to take extra precaution to not get hurt, nor let that back into my life, i would unlock the door that lead to the back of my mind, I pictured it as a BIG STORAGE CLOSET!

I would remove a box from the many shelves with in the closet, grab it, open up the lid that was sealed tight, take the lid off of the box, and put the words negativity etc., in that box along with the hurt feelings! Then I would put the lid back on the box, put it back on the shelf and quickly close and LOCK THAT DOOR!

Like I said though it worked for a while. We all have many different coping strategies, mechanisms, etc. No matter what the word they all mean the same…. I would rather simplify my words, and use the extra energy to put those works in to “ACTION.”

I am expressing this here like this cause writing has always helped me!

Get it on paper Jan, get it out, and it won’t hurt as much!

Well that is a hunk of BS cause no matter how much I want to deny the fact that I am a sensitive person, because of what I have been through in childhood, that is just not right, it sounds ot me as an excuse of sorts, because we all have a story to tell, what we went through, seen , heard smelt, etc..
My father being or I should say acting as the pillar of strength, kind of made me realize that he was not as strong as perceived to be, and that is/was ok!

My husband God Bless him doesn’t understand a word of this, but it is, what it is, it’s just me!