When I think of myself as a young girl I think of honor a lot of strength, courage, fearless, etc…
I sometimes wonder where all that went when I hit the low day’s but it is still in there I just have to dig it out. It takes a lot of work, with one being Bipolar amongst other diagnosis to keep up those characteristics, I have learned that I have to stay on my task at hand, my coping mechanisms if you will.
A lot of us once we feel better we stop doing what makes us get by day to day in a positive happy mood without any down slides, or off day’s is what I mean. I was lucky enough to have a stretch of 8 years of stability, but that was because I stuck to my plan, my coping mechanisms.
Another thing that keeps me afloat is being able to help people. I have a very hard time thinking of people/friends doing without, and struggling, it gives me much gratification to reach out and help that someone, no matter what the need, but if I can’t I have to accept that, that is okay too. I am still a good helpful person, in means of support.
When I think of myself as a young girl struggling I think of strength, a lot of it, that is the McAvoy in me, you fall, you get back up, my Dad wouldn’t have it any other way!
Nothing stopped me from getting what I wanted, and needed, I also think of how angry I was, at what I do not know, but I knew, and found out somehow that my anger, and anybody else anger can work FOR you.
I learned that with as much anger as I had it wouldn’t be good to go around and act out on it, I would get nowhere, I notice I can turn that anger into a positive for me. I have also learned as I grow older that my anger is what got me through all I went through.
Don’t get me wrong my life wasn’t a tragedy, and I wouldn’t change a thing of what I went through, or any of my past, of course nobody wants to lose their parents at such a young age, but I still wouldn’t change a thing.
I have been able to use the anger built up inside to motivate myself. When you think of anger you think of a bad emotion but it doesn’t have to be, any emotion we have, what we do with it is what matters, just because it is anger doesn’t mean it is a bad thing. If I am angry, I motivate, I get things done fast, and in an accurate matter, especially when I was at work. I would say, Jan, think of this, and actually literally piss myself off to the point I was like in a trance. I was so focused on the anger nothing would get in my way of getting the job at hand, no matter what it was, done. I love competition. That was my down fall at work. I was better than anyone, got the work done of three people at least in an hour time. I thought I was invisible, or not replaceable, everybody can be replaced, I learned that the hard way, but that is me Jan, I have to fall hard to learn, I don’t listen. I have to learn my way, nobody can tell me. I have to fall, brush myself off, and get back up, and usually learn from what I failed at. To me that is a good thing it makes me who I am, and I wouldn’t change a thing about myself.
I know this sounds quite strange but we are all unique in our own way aren’t we, well that is how I get by, I don’t let anything touch me personally I move on, let it bounce off like a rubber band, if people have a personal problem with me that is just it their personal problem, let them throw their knives and let them do whatever they feel like doing. I will simply turn around, hold my head high and not let it touch me.
I was so powerful, it is ever since I have been medicated it seems to me anyways that I have turned soft. Soft, I hate that word and sensitive, I do not like being that way. I am writing this to recall who I was and how I accomplished all I did on my own, I did a lot, and nothing touched, or stopped me I want that again, and will have it. I feel it close to me now. I won’t stop until I get down to the person I was before.
If I was once that way it is still inside of me I just have to dig it out, it takes a lot of work but I am always up for a challenge. It all depends for all of us actually how bad we want it, it is about anything I, you, want something bad enough you will fight, and do everything in our power to get it.
So why not use that power to better yourself emotionally. Emotions are something we are always going to have it is how they are controlled is what the matter is.
Some have better control than others, we all can be at peace with in, it just takes work, are you willing to put that time, and hard work into being the you, you want so much to be, and to stop being envies of other peoples happiness. Let’s get going, all you have to do is to stop thinking about it, thinking stops you from doing, action is key, when you think you sit, and weeks later you find yourself still sitting in that same spot wondering how you got to the point of despair, and how can you get out of it.
There is a simple solution to that, now with us having Bipolar I am not saying anyone at all is weak and I know how hard it is to get back up once fallen, but I am simply just explaining to you how I feel and have come about getting back up. That is it, you have to stop thinking and GET UP. You can’t just sit there and expect everything to get better by thinking about it, ACTION is always key to anything in this world.