Feeling is Believing

Your beliefs will guide you whether or not they are in your best interest. Maybe you believe that you are incapable of having a healthy intimate relationship, or that you aren’t attractive to others, or think you will not live a long life. Or perhaps you have a strong conviction that you are very lucky, or that people in general are basically good and trustworthy. Whatever the belief may be, you hold it as a truth and perceive that those who disagree with you are thinking irrationally since, when it comes to beliefs, there is often no common evidence upon which agreement can be reached. Nevertheless, your beliefs, whether they are within your conscious awareness or not, direct and influence your life.

It’s only in recent decades that we’ve recognized and validated that emotions are a powerful attention directing system—an amplification device—in our brain. They are responsible for creating the visceral responses regarded as feelings, that in turn are transformed into thoughts and the formation of beliefs to help us make sense of what we experience at the moment and to use for future reference. Even the most simple beliefs have emotional memory at their core, such as a certain food, person, or place that may no longer appeal to you following an experience that resulted in you having a disgust response.

Logic may inform you that life experiences dictate the conclusions we draw and form the cognitive constructions that lead us to believe what we do. However, it is not simply that past experiences determine how we view and approach the present based on beliefs we’ve created and hold. Instead, our present beliefs are governed by past experiences that are linked to unconscious emotional memories. In his book, Shame and Pride: Affect, Sex, and the Birth of the Self, Donald Nathanson (1992) writes, “Whatever resides in our memory is stored with its accompanying emotion; thus each of us has a highly personal ‘information bank’ of emotion-related data. This storehouse provides the coloration of an event—that which is personal for each of us” (p. 48). Thus, as far as our beliefs are concerned, emotional memories provide an unconscious lens through which we view our world. In addition, our unconscious affects are subject to various influences as they become the emotions we consciously experience. J. Samuel Bois reminds us that, “Apart from inherited variability, affects are made different in their manifestations and in their expected satisfactions by the culture in which we are brought up” (p. 260).

As noted in a previous blog, your emotional memory has accumulated a great amount of data that it uses to inform and protect you in the event that you encounter a similar situation in the future. How fortunate it is that the next time you encounter a situation—one that is similar to a previous event where an emotion was activated—your emotional memory will be able to recall what you experienced and respond accordingly. The ability of the human brain to compare current experiences to the stored representations of previous experience is referred to as “pattern matching” (Nathanson, 1992). But, at times, emotional memories that are based on your previous experiences may lead you to develop cognitive beliefs that may be contrary to your goals or interfere with them. For example, what you may want most is an intimate and loving relationship, but you believe that you are unlovable or flawed and so you avoid closeness with others. However, experiencing oneself as unlovable or flawed does not necessarily translate directly to emotional memories where one was made to believe so. Instead, the emotional foundation of such beliefs often has to do with experiences related to shame—perhaps a subject for a future blog. The point is that emotional memories, and their impact on our beliefs, are complex.

Since conscious and unconscious beliefs are closely connected to your affects they can play out in your present life in many maladaptive ways. The psychoanalyst, Joseph Weiss (1997), refers to such beliefs as “pathogenic” and developed his theory of psychopathology through empirical studies of guilt and shame—emotions that are central to the formation of the self and to one’s functioning in interpersonal relationships. Where Weiss refers to pathogenic beliefs, Silvan Tomkins (cited by Kelly, 2012), a psychologist and personality theorist, considers the formation of “scripts” as the learning or knowledge structure (belief-formation) that results from the experience of emotion. It is likely that many, if not most, theories of psychopathology and treatment have as their basis, overtly or not, an interface between emotions and beliefs.

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Given that the muscle of emotion forms the foundation of a belief, it is no wonder why humans adhere to their adaptive as well as maladaptive ones. Whether the belief has to do with food preferences, intimacy, religion, politics, or this blog, the beliefs that you “feel” can interfere with your relationships with others and your ability to learn about yourself. Testing what you believe can only be accomplished in relation to an other, preferably an other with whom you have a trusting relationship. Thus, here I must call upon the wisdom of J. Samuel Bois (1968/2003), a psychologist, semanticist, and epistemologist, who wrote in Communication As Creative Experience, “Do not evaluate critically the other person’s views against your own as the standard of truth and wisdom, but take his views as a tentative standard against which you re-examine and re-evaluate your own opinions and feelings”(p. 24).

For information regarding my books about emotions: http://www.marylamia.com

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3 Common Goal Setting Mistakes

Setting and achieving goals is one of the best surefire ways to improve the quality of our lives. We commonly use goals to improve our health, relationships, financial situation, career or business success, and even happiness. Sometimes goals are set for us, as in a work situation, but most of the time we determine our own goals.

SEE ALSO: How the Act of Daily Goal Setting Makes You Successful

Successfully achieving those goals is not only key to advancing our careers, but also to help us to grow as individuals. Unfortunately, when choosing our goals, we often unknowingly sabotage our success, by committing these three very common goal setting mistakes.

Thinking Too Narrowly

One of the biggest benefits of creating goals is that they force us to focus our time, attention, and energy on a specific objective, instead of scattering our focus and our resources among the broad range of possibilities vying for our attention. When we concentrate our efforts on a specific target, we’re more likely to accomplish our goals and less time.

That said, setting a goal that is too specific, while achievable, can lead to a goal setting mistake, by missing the true intention of our goal in the first place. We fall into this common trap by thinking too narrowly, and missing the bigger picture of what we’re really hoping to achieve. Unfortunately, this often leads, to wasted effort and frustration.

Setting a goal to lose 20 pounds for example, might be very valuable to a person who is otherwise healthy, but just carries a little bit of extra weight. For others, losing 20 pounds, while appealing, is misdirected effort, when the real goal is to achieve better health. When you look at the bigger picture, losing weight might not be the most effective goal. Perhaps quitting smoking would be more valuable. Lowering cholesterol and blood pressure or reversing heart disease might be better served by changes in diet or increased activity. Though losing weight might be a byproduct, it isn’t actually the true goal.

Another example of a too specific goal might be to increase the number of sales calls or project numbers, when the real goal is to advance our career, and a more valuable goal might be to attain an advanced certification or further our education to make us more valuable to an employer. Still another to specific goal might be to find the perfect mate, when the real goal is to be happier. Even if we find the perfect mate, we won’t necessarily be happier, because we have missed the true underlying need.

Quantity VS. Quality

In our zealousness for accomplishment, we unwittingly sabotage our forward movement by setting quantity goals rather than quality goals. Quantity goals may simply mean that we have set too many goals at one time rather than focusing our attention on a single, or a select few quality goals. But perhaps more important, is the distinction between a quality goal and a quantity goal.

Quantity goals usually deal with numbers while quality goals generally deal with an improvement in our overall quality of life and work. Unfortunately, quantity goals are easier and faster to achieve so they tend to draw our interest, but often quality goals have more impact on making important changes that address our most crucial needs.

When setting goals, focus on quality rather than quantity to avoid goal setting mistakes. Also, notice if you tend to automatically gravitate to “numbers” goals. Quantity, “numbers” goals are not inherently bad, and can be very useful as long as they are also quality goals that address the bigger picture.

Unrealistic expectations

We see this common mistake time and time again. If we set a goal of finding a new job or getting a promotion but only give ourselves one month to do so, we’re just setting ourselves up for failure. Writing your first book generally takes more than six weeks, six months is a more realistic goal. Also, be sure your goals are within your control.

Being offered a new job, might not be within your control, but revising your resume, hiring a career coach, or sending out resumes and checking job postings every week is within your control. Finding an agent or publisher in a specific timeframe probably isn’t within your control, but completing a book proposal, and contacting potential agents is within your control.

keep these common pitfalls in mind When determining goals. Set goals that impact the bigger picture and address your true objectives. Don’t get caught in the trap of thinking too narrowly and concentrate on quality over quantity. Make sure your goals are realistic, within your control and have a reasonable timeframe. While you’re at it, take a look at past goals that you weren’t able to achieve, see if you can revise them, and try again.

(Photo credit: Golf Bunker via Shutterstock)

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One of the Best Goal Setting Exercises

Someone very smart once said, “How we spend our days is how we spend our life”. Life doesn’t usually change overnight (as much as we would often hope it would). It changes, because we make little tweaks in our daily habits. Sometimes we do it intentionally. But a lot of times we just kind of start doing something differently, considering it to be insignificant minor change, but these small actions add up to huge life changes over time.

This partly explains why the goal setting exercise that we’ll talk more about in this post is so effective. But before we get to it, let me explain what I mean by “minor changes” leading to huge results.

Small steps matter

Nutritionists say that it’s enough to eat 250 calories less per day to lose 26 pounds a year. 250 calories are 2/3 of a Chocolate Chunk Cookie at Starbucks. This means that by not changing anything else in your daily routine except for eating 250 calories less a day will get you much bigger results than fad diets or irregular gym workouts.

The same is true for the finances. According to the Money Mag’s Millionaire Calculator there is no need to win a lottery in order to become a millionaire. It’s enough to save $5 a day for 40 years and you’ll hit a Millionaire status!

When you think about it, putting aside a tiny part of your salary a day or passing on a cookie is do-able. And it pays off in the long run. But for some weird reason very few people actually do it.

The way we pick, set and pursue our goals is largely to blame

When we decide on what is it that we want to achieve in life, we rarely think ‘small changes over the serious period of time’. Usually it’s the other way around – ‘massive action, over the next two weeks’ (usually followed by the long breaks of inactivity and procrastination).

However, there is one very simple, yet powerful exercise that helps us to shift focus from short term-gain to smooth and steady long-term results. And no, it’s not the usual – picture what your life will look in 5, 10 and 20 years visualization.

The goal setting exercise I’m about to share with you is much more realistic, effective and creative. It’s called…

The “Average Perfect Day”

The name gives the game away really. All you have to do is sit down, turn the soft lounge music on and ask yourself one question – What I want my Average Perfect Day look like?

perfect-day

Take a piece of paper or open a blank document on your computer and write down your perfect schedule for the day.

  • What time do you wake up?
  • What do you do once you are awake?
  • Do you kiss your beautiful spouse?
  • Do you open the windows and head to the beach to do your 20 minutes of Sun Salutations and 10-minute meditation?
  • Do you say “Thank you” for all the blessings that you’ve been given?
  • Then what do you do?

Write it down as detailed as possible, following your average perfect day step by step. Another key here is to focus on the word “average”. It shouldn’t be a day where you go on vacation, get married or bump into Johnny Depp while shopping at an antiques flea market.

It should be a day that you would re-live over and over again, without getting bored, exhausted or overwhelmed.

If you dig deeper, you’ll take away quite a few insights from this exercise. First, you’ll clearly see little habits that you can start instilling today to get yourself closer to your vision of Average Perfect day.

Some of the changes may seem bigger and more overwhelming. It’s okay. Just by having a clear goal of what you want your day to be like, will have your subconscious mind working to get you there. You’ll notice the opportunities that you haven’t seen before, you’ll do things a little differently and your set of circumstances will change, creating different, more positive outcomes.

Start with the smallest changes and work your way up

Pick something simple, that doesn’t require you to move to a foreign country or change your career. Begin by saying thank you for your blessings. Spend 10 minutes meditating. Read a bedtime story for your kids.

We all have enough time, motivation and determination to stick with one tiny habit for 30 days (that’s the time it takes to make it automatic). Then you can move on to the next little goal and so on.

Go ahead and do it right now! This is one of the most powerful goal setting exercises ever and it can be eye-opening in terms of setting the right priorities. Why? Because how we spend our days is how we spend our lives. It’s really as simple as that.

Set a goal for yourself

“I know it is achievable. I can work up to 50 push-ups by following a 30-day plan.”

Add To My Goal

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The Symptoms of Anxiety

There are common symptoms of anxiety that people experience in terms of feelings, behaviors, thoughts, and physical sensations. Nonetheless, it is important to remember that anxiety is a highly subjective experience. Not everyone will experience the same symptoms, nor will each person experience the same intensity of a symptom. Still, it is helpful to provide some examples of the common physical, emotional, cognitive, and behavioral symptoms of anxiety.

Physical symptoms of anxiety

The physical symptoms of anxiety refer to how we experience anxiety in our bodies. Examples include:

  • A feeling of restlessness, feeling “keyed up,” or “on-edge;”
  • Shortness of breath, or a feeling of choking;
  • Sweaty palms;
  • A racing heart;
  • Chest pain or discomfort;
  • Muscle tension, trembling, feeling shaky;
  • Nausea and/or diarrhea;
  • “Butterflies” in the stomach;
  • Dizziness, or feeling faint;
  • Hot flashes;
  • Chills;
  • Numbness, or tingling sensations;
  • An exaggerated startle response; and,
  • Sleep disturbance and fatigue.

These symptoms are caused by the physiological changes that occur in the body during a fight-or-flight response. Unfortunately, our bodies do not distinguish between a real and present danger in the environment (fear), and an imagined or anticipated danger in the future (anxiety). For more information about why these symptoms occur, please refer to section on Biological Explanations of Anxiety

For people who experience panic attacks, the above symptoms are all too familiar. However, as previously stated, a person does not need to develop a full-blown anxiety disorder to be able to relate to any of the above symptoms. For these symptoms to be considered a “disorder” they must reach a certain level of intensity, duration, and frequency such that the symptoms cause significant distress and interfere withsomeone’s functioning.

Behavioral symptoms of anxiety

The behavioral symptoms of anxiety refer to what people do (or don’t do) when they are anxious. Behavioral responses reflect attempts to cope with the unpleasant aspects of anxiety.

Typical behavioral responses to anxiety may include:

  • Avoidance behaviors such as avoiding anxiety-producing situations (e.g., avoiding social situations) or places (e.g., using the stairs instead of an elevator).
  • Escaping from an anxiety-producing situation (like a crowded lecture hall).
  • Engaging in unhealthy, risky, or self-destructive behaviors (such as excessive drinking or drug use to deal with the anxiety).
  • Feeling compelled to limit the amount and scope of one’s daily activities to reduce the overall level of anxiety (e.g., remaining in the safety of one’s home).
  • Becoming overly attached to a safety object or person (e.g., refusing to go out, away from home, to school, or to work in order to avoid separation).

Ironically, these coping strategies often worsen and maintain an anxiety disorder. This is discussed in more detail in the section, Maintenance of anxiety disorders: Maladaptive coping strategies

Emotional symptoms of anxiety

As we mentioned earlier, anxiety in its most basic form is an emotion. However, this emotion produces a set of feelings. Common words used to describe the feelings of anxiety include:

  • apprehension,
  • distress,
  • dread,
  • nervousness,
  • feeling overwhelmed,
  • panic,
  • uneasiness,
  • worry,
  • fear or terror,
  • jumpiness or edginess.

Some individuals, especially children, may not even be able to describe their feelings and may at times simply answer, “I don’t know what I feel.” Interestingly, many people find the emotional component of anxiety most distressing. However, the other symptoms of anxiety, such as thoughts, behaviors, and physical responses cause the greatest disturbance in terms of their daily functioning.

Cognitive symptoms of anxiety

Finally, there are the cognitive symptoms of anxiety. Whether we realize it or not, it is often quite common to have thoughts running through our mind when we feel anxious. Even when we do not feel anxious, we have thousands of thoughts every day! The thoughts people experience when anxious are commonly referred to as worry (Bourne, 2000). Although the content of the thoughts may vary depending on the person and situation, common themes include:

  • “What if _ happens?”
  • “I must have certainty.”
  • “I can’t possibly tolerate not knowing_.”
  • “What do these physical symptoms mean?”
  • “People will laugh at me.”
  • “I won’t be able to escape.”
  • “I am going crazy.”
  • “Oh my God, what’s happening to me?”

Depending on the nature of the specific anxiety disorder, and a person’s own unique anxiety history, the possible worrisome thoughts may vary.

The psychological symptoms of anxiety may include:

  • Problems with concentration, or difficulty with staying on task;
  • Memory difficulties; and,
  • Depressive symptoms such as hopelessness, lethargy, and poor appetite.

Notwithstanding, what is often found at the heart of pathological anxiety is an inaccurate cognitive appraisal of a situation. This usually means overestimating the amount of threat in a given situation, while at the same time underestimating one’s ability to cope with these threats. These concepts are discussed in more detail in the Psychological Explanations of Anxiety Disorders section.

The cost of anxiety

These physical, behavioral, cognitive, and emotional symptoms of anxiety can certainly take their toll.

The “cost” of unidentified and/or untreated anxiety can be quite high:

1. Lost social and professional opportunities because of excessive shyness or social anxiety;
2. Dysfunctional relationships because of a fear of asserting oneself;
3. Increased risk for cardio-vascular disease and suicide;
4. Other health-related problems such as irritable bowel syndrome, headaches, teeth grinding, and other jaw-related disorders;
5. Drug and alcohol problems; and,
6. High rates of absenteeism, reduced work performance, reduced productivity, unemployment, under-employment, and disability.

In more concrete terms, the cost of anxiety disorders in the United States is more than $46 billion a year. This represents nearly a third of the US’s mental health cost! Of note, less than one fourth of these costs, represent the cost of treatment (DuPont, et al. 1996). Clearly, the cost of untreated anxiety disorders is very high. This is particularly disturbing since there are highly effective treatments for anxiety disorders.

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Normal and Abnormal Anxiety

At the most basic level, anxiety is an emotion. Simply stated, an emotion is a subjective state of being. It is often associated with changes in feelings, behaviors, thoughts, and physiology. Anxiety, like all emotional states, can be experienced in varying degrees of intensity. For instance, we might say we are happy. A more intense expression of this same emotion might be an experience of joy. But unlike the emotion “happiness,” which has several different words to convey these differing levels of intensity (e.g., intensity ranging from happiness to joy), anxiety is a single word that represents a broad range of emotional intensity. At the low end of the intensity range, anxiety is normal and adaptive. At the high end of the intensity range, anxiety can become pathological and maladaptive. While everyone experiences anxiety, not everyone experiences the emotion of anxiety with the same intensity, frequency, or duration as someone who has an anxiety disorder. Let’s look more closely at some of the differences between the normal emotion of anxiety, and anxiety as a disorder.

The normal emotions of anxiety and fear

Anxiety, and its close cousin fear, are both considered emotions. While there is considerable overlap between these two terms, there are some important differences. Fear is generally considered a primary emotion. In contrast, anxiety is considered a secondary emotion that represents the avoidance of fear (including the avoidance of fear-producing stimuli). Primary emotions refer to emotions that are recognizable through facial expressions. Primary emotions can easily be interpreted by an observer and exist across different cultures. These primary emotions are: happiness, anger, sadness, fear, surprise, disgust. Secondary emotions, such as anxiety, are not readily recognizable to an outside observer. Secondary emotions are generally considered an internal, private experience.

The most important distinction between fear and anxiety is the timeframe. Fear is the response to a danger that is currently detected in the immediate, present moment of time. In contrast, anxiety refers to the anticipation of some potential threat that may, or may not, happen in the future. In other words, fear is a response to an immediate danger in the present moment of time, while anxiety is associated with a threat that is anticipated in a future moment of time. Anxiety reflects the anticipation of fear and represents anadaptive attempt to prevent the fear-provoking circumstance from occurring. In an anxious state, people are readying themselves and preparing themselves to cope with a future problem or dilemma that they anticipate will cause some kind of harm if not prevented from occurring. In this respect, anxiety is a normal, beneficial emotion.

Emotions are simply a normal part of the human experience. As such, they are neither good nor bad. What happens afterwards determines whether we experience a particular emotion as good or bad; i.e., the changes in our feelings, behaviors, thoughts, and physiology. At this point, you may be wondering, “What could possibly be good about fear and anxiety? Don’t these emotions just make people feel miserable?” Well, the answer may come as a quite a shock, but fear and anxiety are actually very important emotions. When it comes to human survival and achievement, anxiety and fear actually motivate us to take necessary action. For example, picture a young mother and her child are crossing the street. The mother suddenly realizes they are in the direct path of an oncoming car. Imagine what would happen if she did not feel the least bit afraid. Now imagine a law student preparing to take his bar exam so that he can become an attorney. What if he didn’t have any anxiety over whether he passed or failed his bar exam? Clearly, without fear and anxiety to prepare their minds and bodies for automatic action, these individuals would be at risk for some very serious, negative consequences. So, while the experience of fear or anxiety may at times be an unpleasant one, we can see that without these important emotions we’d actually be far worse off.

Fear and survival: The fight-or-flight response

When people speak of fear, they are often referring to the body’s physiological response to fear. This is known as the fight-or-flight response. More specifically, when we are in the presence of an immediate danger, our bodies will automatically begin to prepare us to either attack the threat (i.e., fight) or more often, to escape from the danger (i.e., flight). Clearly, the ability to perform these necessary actions ensures our survival. This ability is made possible by the fight or flight response. For example, when we are faced with danger our hearts begin to beat very fast. The reason behind this increased heart rate is that the emotion of fear signaled our body and mind to prepare for action. The nervous system responds to the signal of danger by attempting to increase blood flow throughout the body. This increased blood flow ensures extra oxygen is delivered to our muscles. This extra oxygen is needed for energy during a fight or an escape from danger (e.g., running really fast). This increased blood flow requires the heart to work harder, and beat faster. Similarly, because increased oxygen is beneficial when faced with danger, there is a natural tendency for people to begin breathing more rapidly and more deeply to meet the demand for extra oxygen. This extra oxygen enables the body to rise to the challenge of fight-or-flight. These physical responses are discussed in more detail in the section, Biological Explanations of Anxiety.

Like many adaptive mechanisms, the fight-or-flight response has evolved over time to help ensure our survival. In ancient times, our ancestors came into constant contact with many types of very real dangers in their environment (lions and tigers and bears, OH MY!). Over time, with repeated exposure to these threats, our ancestors’ nervous systems began to evolve in a manner that made the fight-or-flight response automatic and immediate. This adaptation was very beneficial. It ensured the necessary physical responses, (such as increased heart rate and respiration) would occur without wasted time (immediate) and without having to think about it (automatic). This adaptation makes sense because human beings would be at a significant disadvantage if they had to stop and rationally determine best course of action whenever they were in danger. Consider again the example of the mother and her child crossing the street when she realizes they are in the direct path of an oncoming car. Clearly, she does not have time to stop and weigh out all her options. Her response must be immediate.

In modern times, we may not encounter the same sorts of danger our ancestors had to face. Nonetheless, we still encounter threats in our daily lives that make the fight-or-flight response useful. Present day examples include physical threats (being attacked by a mugger); social threats (being ridiculed or embarrassed); and mental threats (“blanking-out” on a difficult exam). Unfortunately, a problem arises when the fear response is triggered but there is no actual threat in our environment. Thus, the response serves no useful purpose. This is called a false alarm. False alarms are discussed in more detail inanother section. For now, it is simply important to recognize that without a certain amount of fear in our lives, our survival becomes more difficult.

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